Last week a student asked me, "Does
the Torah say you can't be gay?" I get that question or a similar question
every so often. Although I wrote the following piece some time in the past, I
wanted to post it to this blog in order to make it more widely available.
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May 18, 2004
RE: Judaism and homosexuality
Dear [Student’s name]:
It's very hard to write about a
complicated subject as background for a newspaper article. In the nature of
things, a newspaper article can't digest an essay; you need short points and
short quotes. I'll try to put my thoughts into a useful format.
1. Reform Judaism in
the U.S. Union
for Reform Judaism, and the rabbinic organization, the Central Conference of
American Rabbis. Both organizations have passed resolutions supporting equal
civil rights for gay and lesbian couples, including secular marriage. In
addition, the CCAR encourages (but does not require) its members to officiate at
commitment ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples. The links to these
resolutions are given below:
2. The written Torah
forbids one possible sexual act which a man might perform with another man.
Based this, people often say that the Bible condemns homosexuality. However,
the written Torah forbids no sexual act which a woman might perform with
another woman. It forbids a variety of sexual acts which a man might perform
with a woman. It also forbids a variety of foods. No one has asserted based on
this that the Bible is against heterosexuality, or against eating.
3. The Tradition,
going beyond the letter of the Torah, forbids most sexual acts which a person
might perform by himself/herself or with another, except for sex between a
married woman and her husband that culminates in vaginal intercourse. Based on
the Bible, even in marriage, sex may take place only at a time when a wife is
free from her menstrual period and has prepared herself through the mikvah.
4. People differ from
each other in terms of the strength of their sex drives and the focus of their
sexual orientation. Some people are only attracted to people of the opposite
sex and would find it impossible to bond in the same way with a partner of the
same sex. Such people are heterosexual or "straight." Some people are
attracted only to people of the same sex and are homosexual or "gay."
Some people are bisexual and can be attracted to males and females. These are
not rigid categories – there is an entire spectrum. A person's sexual orientation
is discovered, not chosen – like one's preference for chocolate or vanilla ice
cream, for blondes or brunettes, etc. The Torah does not (and could not) forbid
any sexual orientation.
5. If human nature has
stayed the same since Biblical times, clearly some people in Biblical times
were gay. The way King David expresses himself about his friend Jonathan has
homoerotic overtones. There is no evidence that King David acted sexually on
his feelings, but the feelings themselves were clear: "I am distressed
for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to
me was wonderful, passing the love of women." (2 Samuel 1:26)
6. A famous homoerotic
relationship among the Talmudic sages was that between Resh Lakish and Rabbi
Yohanan. Again, there is no evidence that they acted sexually on their
feelings. See:
http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=757&letter=S
http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=757&letter=S
7. My own point of
view is impacted by the fact that I have had friends in committed gay
relationships whose lives were positive and healthy. I have also had friends
who attempted to bury homosexual feelings inside a "straight"
marriage, and I was witness to the constant daily suffering that came from the
attempt. I've been present as a musician and friend at a Jewish wedding
ceremony between two women, and found it very moving and wholesome.
8. Because I believe
that sexual behavior is best directed into a socially-constructive
relationship, I think that heterosexual sexual activity, whenever possible,
should be reserved for marriage. I think that homosexual sexual activity,
whenever possible, should be reserved for a committed relationship. Of course,
no one is coming up to me and asking me what they should do in their sex lives,
and I don't judge, so long as the activities people are engaging in are
responsible. Responsible means that people accept the consequences along with
the act: children, health consequences, the emotional bonds that are created,
etc. Where people act as if their actions do not have predictable, foreseeable
consequences, they are unethical and immoral.
9. In agreement with
the statements from the Reform movement which I gave you above, I certainly
support full civil rights for gay people. The government has no legitimate
interest in what goes on inside our bedrooms. I also support commitment
ceremonies for gay couples. I know of nothing in the Torah or the Jewish
tradition that prohibits any two people from making any contracts with each
other or promises to each other that they choose to. The community can
certainly honor them by witnessing their promises and celebrating with them.
10. I personally would
not use the word "Kiddushin" for the relationship that is
created by such a ceremony. The English word "Marriage" is fine with
me. This is for technical reasons and has nothing to do with the moral quality
of the relationship created.
My understanding of halakhah is
that the marriage ceremony, between a man and a woman, changes the personal
status of the woman, rendering her mekudeshet, with the result that if
she sleeps with any Jewish man other than her husband, the union is called
adultery and the children produced are mamzerim. The personal status of
the husband remains unchanged. He assumes contractual obligations toward
his wife, but he does not become mekudash toward her. If he has a
relationship with a single Jewish woman, that relationship would not be called
adultery (under Jewish law) and the children produced would not be mamzerim.
The kind of relationship created between
two men or two women by a commitment ceremony would be, in my view, similar to
the bond binding a husband to his wife under Jewish law – a bond created by
contract or promises rather than a bond which changes the personal status of
the parties. The only practical difference is that, if a woman bound by a
commitment ceremony should have an affair and produce children, the affair is
not "adultery" and the children are not mamzerim.
To anyone other than a student of Jewish
law, this may seem like silly semantics. However, those are my reasons. Kiddushin
is the relationship which binds a Jewish married woman to her husband (not vice
versa), the violation of which is adultery (ni'uf).
The English word "Marriage" is
fine with me because in our civil society, "marriage" creates
a mutual obligation between two partners, equally binding in the same terms on
both parties. That is exactly what a commitment ceremony for a gay couple seeks
to create, and I see no reason, civilly, to hinder the creation of such a
partnership.
11. Bottom line:
Neither the Bible nor Judaism prohibits "being gay." I think people
should reserve sex for marriage. I think marriage should be possible under the
law for gay people. I think appropriate Jewish ceremonies should be available
for gay marriage. I think that people who think differently than me are OK.
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