Leaving Providence

השגחה פרטית – Individual Providence

I am afraid to say that this has been the year in which my wobbling faith in individual providence completely collapsed. "Afraid" because it is ingrained in me to feel guilty to say or even think anything that could be construed as critical of G-d. Perhaps a notion can be good or bad, worthy or unworthy, but above all it must be accurate!

The believer clings to the notion that s/he is somehow immune to the vicissitudes of life, because of divine protection. The belief in such a specifically-intervening G-d is a basic mark of the religious life.

Psalm 91. ⁷A thousand may fall at your left side, ten thousand at your right, but it shall not reach you. ⁸You will see it with your eyes, you will witness the punishment of the wicked. ⁹Because you took the Lord—my refuge, the Most High—as your haven, ¹⁰no harm will befall you, no disease touch your tent.

ז יִפֹּ֤ל מִצִּדְּךָ֨ ׀ אֶ֗לֶף וּרְבָבָ֥ה מִֽימִינֶ֑ךָ    אֵ֝לֶ֗יךָ לֹ֣א יִגָּֽשׁ׃ ח רַ֭ק בְּעֵינֶ֣יךָ תַבִּ֑יט    וְשִׁלֻּמַ֖ת רְשָׁעִ֣ים תִּרְאֶֽה׃ ט כִּֽי־אַתָּ֣ה ה' מַחְסִ֑י    עֶ֝לְי֗וֹן שַׂ֣מְתָּ מְעוֹנֶֽךָ׃ י לֹֽא־תְאֻנֶּ֣ה אֵלֶ֣יךָ רָעָ֑ה    וְ֝נֶ֗גַע לֹֽא־יִקְרַ֥ב בְּאָֽהֳלֶֽךָ׃

For a long time I have felt that, though these and similar words are not literally true, they may be true in a general sense. In a general sense, good deeds bear good fruit; bad deeds bear bad fruit. I still hold by that generality, otherwise "good" and "bad" would be meaningless terms.

However, the notion that G-d protects the believer or good people, specifically, is so untrue as to be obscene. חותמו של הקב"ה אמת - The seal of God is truth. We must speak the truth.

This year I have seen yet another sweet, innocent friend, die prematurely. A young woman in our congregation was killed by a stolen car fleeing police, as she was leaving Yom Kippur services. Victims of hurricanes, earthquake, and mass-murder. Surely among all those victims there was at least one to whom the above promise should have applied. No, I can't support that rhetoric any more. It's cruel. Powerless to avert tragedy, we light candles, recite Psalms, agonize before an Intervenor whom we imagine exists or we hope exists. Almost any concretely helpful action would be more significant.

If I were to offer up a prayer of my own, I would ask a deity to grant my species the ability to adopt a dignified, responsible, and caring exuberance toward living, rather than a quavering, dependent vigil awaiting death. To recognize that nature has neither a preference for our species nor a bias against it takes only a little courage." -- James Randi, The Faith Healers

I am sure that with time, my map of reality will adjust and redraw itself. Some form of faith, now badly damaged, will return. I still live in a world full of wonder that I did not create. I still feel gratitude that I want to express. My heart still sings. עם כל זה, אני מאמין – on some level, I still believe. What I do not believe in is a remote-controlled Deity. Goodness, the human race and I have witnessed enough experiments to know that prayer makes no difference "out there." It may make a difference "in here." It's a hard habit to break. I hope I'll have the courage, consistency, and conviction not to insult God with requests It will not answer and obeisance It does not demand. I'm not sure what will be left.